Everytime I want to blog.
A lot to say, but just don't know how to put in words.
Was lying on the bed just now and have this feeling of blogging.
I have a lot to say.
But just don want to talk verbally.
Been soooooo trouble this few months.
Mind is crashed by a lot of stuffs.
Don't wish to share. But just want to solve it myself.
Emotions start running up and making me going crazy.
Family is undergoing some financial problems.
Dad is unemployed for more than 5 months.
Going to school and out with frens, having no money in my purse.
Didn't do much saving.
Even there is, that is for my studies.

Facing problems in financial, and in facing other problems in life.
Whether to re-apply local uni again.
What the course I wish to choose again.
What I wan in life. Totally mixed up.

Looking at the lump sum of examination fees that I need to pay 2 weeks time, giving me more pressure in my studies.
Telling myself that I cannot afford to fail this exam.
It costs me almost $2000.
Struggling with studies that demotivate me to going on.
Hanging around, looking blindly at my lecture notes.
Totally no mood in studying.

Thinking life is much more smoothly after months go back by.
But somehow, realise that there is a red alert in my personal life.
Holding on this feelings and don't dare to say out.
Fearing of losing face.
Going for the 2nd time and realise actually problems lies on me.
Knowing why they don really appreciate me, matter how I look like and what is my behaviour.
Don't know how to solve it but all I know is to tear out loud.
At first, having this unsure feeling, don't know what I really want.
And now going deeper and deeper, just notice I am badly hurt.

One tearful, terrible experience seems like not teaching me a lesson.
Too committed.
End up, falling badly.
Always remind myself that I will never wish to go thru it ever again.
I'm just going back to my old self.
Hiding and hiding.
Crying at one corner, giving in like nobody business.

Oops... Didn't manage to update yesterday entry.
Was too busy with my stuffs.
Came home late after tuition lesson.
My goodness!
Almost lost my purse after my afternoon tuition at bukit panjang.
Was eating my lunch cum dinner after my lesson.
I also don know how my wallet had dropped.
Perhaps I didn't put it nicely into my bag.

Until I walk to the bus stop and wanted to board the bus,
I founf my purse missing.
I didn't know where I put it.
I was searching high and now.
But just couldn't have it.
Immediately I think I should left it on the coffee shop table.
The next thought I was thinking was GG.
What if someone stole it away.
Inside my purse, I have $200 cash, 2 debit cards, 1 license card, a IC, ezlink card, and some impt membership cards and photos inside.
I totally sian if it is stolen.
I ran up hill to the coffee shop.
LUCKILY!!!
It was found by a cleaner uncle.
They checked my IC no and ask me what my purse looked like to ensure that it is mine.
Thank god!
I found it.
Or else, my 1 tuition lesson fee was gone.
Lucky till the max.
I was thinking how come my right eye is blinking for this few days.
I guess is becos of this incident.

And this teach me a lesson to put my belongings properly into my bag and check my surrounding before I go.
I was telling my mom that I actually wan to give the uncle some money for drinks or food as a reward.
But then I know myself that I'm now struggling with money problems.
I have to really depend on myself for my expenses for this period of time.
Because my father is currently not working.
He is jobless I can say that.

The details I'm not very clear.
But he no longer working in NP.
Heard my brother said that he was kicked out by some evil guys.
They steal my father's job.
I super worried about this.
How come this happens when I'm studying in uni?

I know myself and always remind myself that my uni fees is damm expensive.
I don know whether if this goes on, I'm still able to study and get my degree anot.
Other than this, my house condition.
Staying such a big house, I don know whether we can cope.
I think my father has been worrying for this matter for 2 months.
He has also search for jobs but it just hard for the economic now.

Some of my uni frens might think I anti-social.
Not going for their gathering and so on.
But I really have to save money now and know how to control.
Transport fees are already very expensive.
I spend $20 per wk on that.
It's kind of sad when I couldn't go out with them.
But no choice.

I thank GY for his concern and understanding.
He even mentioned that he can lend me some money so that I can go out with my frens.
I rejected and thank him for his concern.
How would I do that?
Is not me!
Although I admit that sometimes I see some stuffs, I will say that I want him to buy.
But everything is just a joke only.
Once he willing to buy for me, I will say I don wan already.
I know what is the right and wrong thing to do.

Even if I have no money, I will go earn it myself.
Although I know I might not able to buy some of the things I want, I can wait.
Meanwhile just spend less and save more.

I still appreciate what GY tells me.
It touches me.
At least, he didn't blame me for that or didn't look down on me.
And that is one thing that I know that I love him more.
However this inspires me to work hard, study hard and get a better grade in my degree.
In this way, I can get a better job in the future and earn more.
I'm confident that one day, I can do it!
It is just determination.
A smile can cure all wounds!

5 more days to go!!

Have sold the dog to Yvonne.
Since she is finding a dog too.
I'm sure the dog has found a good owner who will care and love him.
Somehow, I a bit miss him although he is at my house for days.
But sometimes I free, I will go pat pat him.
He is really a quiet dog.
My mom loves him also.
Unlike my dog very active and timid.
Haha!

Today didn't go for dance.
Waste another $8+.
No choice.
My stomach don really feel well.
I don know what really happen.
Nth seems to come out now.
Although it did, stomach is still pain.
Eat medicine also like that.

GY calls today.
So happy to hear his voice again.
Tell him that I sold the new dog.
He was like, "What! So fast?! I didn't even have the chance to play with him."
I tot he don like dog??? -_-"
Haha!
Interesting guy...
But nvm, anytime can contact yvonne and meet up and play with the dog.
Other than that, he keeps telling me that the water is very clear.
Very fun to dive.
Alright! As long as he is safe and enjoy his trip that the most impt thing.
Miss you lots and lots!!!

Shall end here and get more rest.

Just before the clock turns 12.
Just blog what I have do today.

Morning, went to school.
Had my lesson on poa and sociology.
Both lecturers shocked me with tests.
One in next week and the other 2 weeks from now.
Here my eyebrown changes again.
When I get stressed, it just won't be straight.

Received my sociology test 1 that I did last month.
I fail.
I got 5.5 out of 25.
Even I know that uol, the passing rate is 34%.
I still didn't make it which is 8.5.
That is the mark that is just passed.
I suddenly stunned.
Feeling scared.
I see my papers, I look thru what my lecturer had marked and amended.
I found out that is my english.
Which is something that I still struggling.
I try to speak english to my frens and read some books.
And hopes it really help in improving my language.
However, there is another reason that I fail.
Not blaming that my lecturer changed the test date often.
I still studied.
So what's wrong?

I think is my study method.
Just out of the sudden, when I was doing my corrections.
Something just struck me.
Is I should not care much on how neatly my handwriting is.
Just becos I'm too engrossed in this thing.
Sometimes in jotting down my notes, I tend to forget what my lecturers had said previously.
End up I didn't catch anything.
So I make up my mind, just ignore my neatness, as long as I can read what I write.
And I really think to understand sociology is to do mind-mapping.
I think it will really help.
So the next time, I'm going to do that.

All this thoughts just bring me to something serious is.
24hrs is just not enough for me.
What am I really doing thru the day.
It's really time for me to reflect on myself in studies.

Have my tuition lesson with my student as usual.
Today, when I going to teach him.
I looked at his face.
His entire face was rashes.
Asking to come nearer, my goddness.
Back of his ears and neck all are rashes.
I ask him what happen.
Then, he ends up crying.
He tot it is serious.
Maybe I guess.
I guess he just touch something dirty and then sweat somemore that makes it worst.
Ask him to go bath and help him put some powder.
Called up his parents on his condition and thinks that they might need to come back and take a look or bring him to the doctor.
I really feel pity for my student.
He is alone in the house.
Parents working.
Brother don even wish to care, just lock himself in the room.
Sister don even come back home, staying at the bf's house often.
I really don know what to say when I see such situation.
Or I can is to care for him and do my part as a tutor.

I really think he has serious rashes is becos his house is dirty.
Very sink also.
With the dog shit and urine not clear.
His dog not bathe.
No wonder he has such rashes.
Is just like no one even bother.

And this, makes me feel that I should care more for my sister.
Maybe try talking nicely to her.
Although I really feel she is irritating and talkative.
Making me clean my towel bowl many times becos she just loves to come to my room's toilet to do her business.
After all, she is my younger sister.

This few days I don't know what happen to my stomach.
It keeps aching.
Terrible.
Properly is becos I'm skipping my meals cos I really have no time to eat either.
Not really a real meal.
After lessons, I have to rush to tuition.
I also have no time to have a power nap which I used to manage to have before.
Making myself really very tired at night.

Other than that, my right eye keeps on blinking.
I'm rather scared.
Don't know if it is something bad going to happen.
Today calls many times to GY.
But I don know why I can't reach him.
And makes me more worried.
I'm hoping he is fine and safe.

I tell myself not to think too much.
Don think too much, Doris!
Everything is fine.

GY, pls msg me or call me to tell me that you are safe or what u are doing.
Miss you lots!
Nth to worry.

Was shocked by what I have seen from my fren's wall.
Was kind of disappointed by was my fren wrote.
And realise that love really is complicated.
I do not know what really happen and why my fren has this type of thoughts.
But whatever it is, as a fren, I can only respect his/her decision.
As long as he/she is happy with their life, then nth is impt to comment about.

Have a serious talk with my fren yesterday night.
And was relieved that nth really happen.
I hope my fren is not becos of relationship problems that driven to such thoughts.
In life, we have to differentiate what are the right things to do and what are the wrong things that we shouldn't even do.
Even if we make mistakes, we must have the courage to face it and bear with all the emotional and consequences.
But luckily, my frens have some really good frens to accompany with.

Talking about frenship, to me, frens are not just a stationary that you can throw or accept whenever you want.
Frens are when you are in trouble, they will lend a helping hand.
Perhaps they can't help, but they can give you advices or concern.
Having a fren that can tell you what you should change is also impt.
Living in life, without any negative comments about yr character, you won't have the chance to reflect yourself.
Sometimes, you, yourself, can't even visualise whether you have done the right thing a not.
So having a family member/lover/fren, it do help you to see things clearly.

So like me, now having my best fren, frens and GY, what they say will lead me to have a deeper reflection on myself.
However, if you feel that you have done nth wrong, then you just have to voice out and explain.
I'm sure sometimes, some things are just misunderstanding.

Hmm... Wonder what GY is doing now?
I guess should be diving/lunch/some training stuffs.
Hope he enjoy himself and also most impt that he is safe.

One hr later, have to leave house and head to my tuitions.
Have 2 sessions today.
This entire october will be a busy month for me due to students' examination.
But then, efforts pay off.
I can see money rolling in to my pocket. Haha!

Shall stop here.
Shall use this hour to continue my note taking for maths.

Miss you, GY!

Upon request from GY, I spared some of my time to blog.
Cause he wants me to update my life when he is out in the sea for some training purpose.
Just received his call.
From his voice, I know he is excited that he finally can reach me.
And I'm also happy that he called.
Finally can hear his voice after 2 days.
Guess he should be very tired from his training.
He has to dive almost everyday.
But he told me that he is fond of diving in clear water.
True. I have been to tiomah too.
It's beautiful there.
Hoping that I can go one more time again.
I wan to see the big big shell and capture more beautiful photos that I don have the chance to in my first trip there.

I told him that I wish to be there again.
But he reply one word, "NO!"
I asked him why.
He says that he wants to bring me to a better place.
That's sweet.

I have a new member in my family now.
A new dog from my auntie.
His name is Puppy.

For years, for months.
No imagination, no assumptions.
Just have to admit.

Not to show, just to hide.
So that everything will be as what is it now.
Making everything to the minimum just for the time being.

Stay cheerful.
Think deep.